‘Vanderpump Rules’ Recap: Ride Or Die For Goat Cheese Balls

Hopefully this weeks episode of is significantly less depressing than last weeks.

Also now that I know is a thing, Stassis spontaneous Montauk birthday trip is seeming more and more like a shameless plug. Just call me Eagle Eye Betchson. Nothing gets past me, Bravo. You tried it.

Brittany drawls another day, another dollar and tbh I almost forgot she existed until this moment.

Scheana: As much as I wanted to put on a happy face, I was literally sad.

Wow. Profound AF.

Not sure if finding out that my surprise party was 1/2 of someone elses party would be quite the pleasant surprise Scheana and Kristen think it would be.

Stassi: I am ride or fucking die for those goat cheese balls and my white wine.

Can I get that on a T-shirt? Coming soon to Shop Betches.

Stassi plugs her podcast, so lets plug ours!! Betch Slapped, every Wednesday. Listen to it, hoes.

Stassi asks Brittany if she can have Jax on her show to give the listeners basically a play-by-play cheating handbook. Sure, give guys advice on how to cheat from a master cheater who’s probably cheating his ass off right now … what could go wrong?

Brittany thinking she changed Jax is really cute. He didnt change, he just got better at lying, Im sure.

Ariana calls a powwow with Scheana and Katie.

Ariana: Theres no reason why we cant move on.

LOL clearly you dont know these people.

Im honestly very impressed that Katie knows the proper verb for peace treaty is to broker.

Katie: My theory with you of the beginning has been that I dont trust you.

Thats not a theory.

Lala is like do I need to finger you to make you not hate me? like whoa that went from 0 1o 100. But also like, maybe.

Scheanas like Im totally 100% Team Katie because shell just dick ride whoever is the most popular at any given point.

Im sure this bullshit non-apology non-acceptance will really stick.

Lisa comes in to grill Brittany on the specials / get filled in about Stassis podcast.

Lisa to Brittany: I just dont want anybody walking all over you.

TOO FUCKIN LATE.

Seeing Peter without a pirate mustache and beard is like watching a dog walking on its hind legs.

And Katie meets with Stassi and completely throws Scheana under the bus.

Holy shit, I dont know how long I can recap this petty high school shit. For real. YOU CAN HAVE FRIENDS WHO DONT LIKE EACH OTHER. Not hating someone your bestie hates is not a fucking crime against humanity or grounds to immediately end the friendship. Jesus Christ, why has nobody pointed out the complete immaturity of this mindset??

Stassi: Scheana apologizing to Lala is like the victims apologizing to Charles Manson.

Oh, I must have missed the episode when Lala convinced a bunch of her followers to commit a series of murders.

And like, if anybody should apologize for spreading rumors about Lala, it SHOULD be Scheana. Because, AGAIN, SHE FUCKED A MARRIED MAN. Im just going to say that over and over until I get blue in the face and fucking die. Scheana fucked a married man theyll write it on my tomb stone.

Jax: Im a handy person but Im not a fan of hanging drapes, putting together furniture, or basically anything handy.

Brittany, if you feel jealous about Jax going on Stassis show, why did you let it happen? Serious question, does Brittany know that there is an alternative to yes and its called no? Britt, tweet at us to let us know, fr. We are worried.

Scheana: When Shay quit drinking, I did as well. but today I need a fucking drink.

Ah yes, the 13th step of AA: Never have another drink again unless you really need one then its totally chill, it’s not like you have a dependence on the substance or anything.

As much as I hate Katie rn (a lot), I gotta applaud her for breaking out the big words solely for the purpose of insulting people. “You repulsed me” makes them feel disgusting and stupid. It just works on so many levels.

Katie and Tom once again have a call with their wedding planner and the wedding planner is like whats your budget? and Katies like can you define the word budget?

I love that Katie is making unilateral arbitrary decisions about their wedding. Totally not at all a harbinger of what’s to come in their marriage. Yeah that’s right, I know big words too.

Katie repeating”I said UNDER 50 grand” over and over kind of reminds me of:

This bullshit semi-apology from Scheana really warranted an in-person meeting with Kristen, really?

Stassi: Were not here to dictate who people can be friends with

HAHAHAHA

Yall, I just laughed myself to death and Im completing this recap from beyond the grave. #Dedication. PS Tupac says hi.

Jax: I can predict the future like Gandhi. Mohammed Gandhi right? He’s some Indian dude?

None of the above quote was remotely an exaggeration or paraphrasing, FWIW. You cant read minds, Jax. Youre just bulimic.

OK I love Lisa but shes like I hoped I didnt have to hear about this shit again but like, she keeps pulling people aside and asking them about it. You dont get to do that.

Jax rolls up to Stassis podcast & is like Scheana came over and said you all think the same.

Stassi: That is such a stupid, one-dimensional, very correct thing to say.

Jason Couchy??? I knew about Jason but Couchy?? Hold the fuck up.

Jax says that he cheats because he feels unappreciated.

Jax: But funny thing about my feelings is that theyre actually located on my cock.

Jax takes a sociopath test, and SHOCKER. He is a sociopath.

Is Stassi really gonna sit here and diagnose everyone on the show and the worst shes gonna say about herself is that shes an alcoholic? Yeah, no. Youre all alcoholics at minimum. Were actually writing an article where we diagnose all of you. Fair warning: It will be savage. We will be taking shots indiscriminately. No one’s getting off easy. Except for maybe Shaydude’s been through enough.

Lisa: Ive immersed myself in this fight that seems impossible.

So stop immersing yourself most bosses DGAF about employee drama. Or get an HR department. Oh god, can I apply to be the SUR HR rep??

You got your party decor from Dylans Candy Bar? How old are you, twelve?

Honestly Im gonna make a margarita baby pool for my next party. Thanks, Kristen!

Stassis talking about Scheana and shes like its scary because its just getting worse. really, Stassi? Its scary? Really.

Also wow I didnt even think about the fact that they have a pool filled with margaritas at an alcoholics birthday party. And Shay had to buy all the vodka? That is so fucked.

I love how the guys are all talking about how much their girlfriends suck. Schwartz likening them to the mafia is funny and accurate but also very terrifying because hes marrying into the catty girl version of a crime family. Good luck.

Scheana wasnt invited to Arianas party and they told her in the most super awkward way. Hey just so you know if shit doesnt work out with Stassi you cant come with us.

REALLY questioning what is wrong with Carter that hes still dating Kristen. No seriously. Is she threatening you? You can tell us.

Shay doesnt even know what his own wedding cost, which seems about right.

I think we need to organize a national search party for Schwartzs backbone.

I am not surprised that Brittany doesnt know what a sociopath is. She actually says its not the worst thing and I guess thats trueplenty of sociopaths lead productive lives. But plenty of them go on to be serial killers or like, have two families. But if you’re comfortable with those odds, Britt…

Stassi confronts Scheana about her apologizing to Lala and is like if you cant stand for something youll fall for anything. Holy shit, bitch. You just dont like a girl your friends work with. This isnt fucking World War II. God damn, read up on the Syrian conflict and then talk to me about standing for something. Y’all are too much.

Ariana: Let us talk. Well take turns, like how one does in normal conversation.

I applaud the shade.

Stassis crying on the floor screaming They suck! Are these people fucking real? No seriously. Are they actual adults and not hormonal middle schoolers somehow trapped in the bodies of 30-year-olds? Wait, are we watching? That totally explains it.

Im honestly questioning if this show has gotten unbearable to watch, or if it was always unbearable and I was just fucking brain dead the whole time. IDK, leaning towards the former. Season 3 was LIT.

Stassi: Ariana gets out of the pool like a fucking mermaid and goes up to talk to me.

Or, she got out of the pool like a fucking person with legs?

Scheana is like You guys all have the same opinion on this and they all shout WE DONT!in unison, btw. But like, you guys definitely do all have the same opinion about Lala and youve readily admitted it. So… are we in the upsidedown rn?

Katie says she can read Scheana like a book. LOL nice try, I know none of you bitches read books.

Scheana finally realizes shes better than her friends and they are acting like assholes. YASS QUEEN. 2016 really is the year of realizing stuff. Welcome to the dark side. We have logic and limited quantities of emotional maturity.

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